Dopey Women by Laura Barnard
Also by this author: Sex, Snow & Mistletoe (A Short Story)
on 10th August 2015
Pages: 454
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Sadie had a bumpy upbringing but she’s still managed to drag herself out and carve a career for herself. That all comes crashing down when she, along with the women she manages; Mags, Lexi & Steph, get made redundant. She’s screwed. In hindsight she shouldn’t have attacked her colleague in a moment of rage. There goes the reference.
When they all bump into each other a few months later at the job centre Sadie finds she’s not the only one in a hole. Steph’s boyfriend has left her holding the baby, Lexi’s stuck in an abusive relationship and poor Mags has breast cancer. They’re all struggling to keep on top of their bills. They all need money to get out of their situations, its as simple as that.
Mags mentions that some women find marijuana helps ease the sickness caused by chemo. With the desperation mounting and the coffee spurring them on they somehow decide to start growing it. They’re only going to sell to ladies going through chemo, so its not too bad, right? They’re not going to be proper drug dealers. And its only temporary.
They didn’t bet on the business taking off so well though. Before they know it they’ve got orders coming out of their ears, a sexy detective on their trail, suspicious neighbours and drug dealers angry they’re working on their patch.
Can Sadie pull them out of this dangerous world they’ve found themselves in? And can she do it before they end up in prison?
Excerpt
I nod and glance to my right. I freeze with what confronts me. The girls are all together. Lexi has a strap-on attached to her and has Steph bent over, pretending to shove her giant purple dildo up Steph’s arse, while Steph twirls nipple tassels dramatically, having them tickle Ruby’s head and making her sneeze. Lexi starts shaking her plastic penis all over the place, screaming, ‘Uh! I’m gonna come! I’m gonna come!’ Dear God.
Mags is the only one appearing normal. At least I can count on her. Oh wait, her face is acting strange. Is she having a stroke? It’s only then that I see she has some device on her nipples and she’s clearly having an orgasm. Right here in the shop.
Emo boy lifts his head, presenting a packet of seeds onto the counter. I try to look at him and ignore them, but he follows my gaze, his eyes landing on the women I call my friends.
‘You’re not supposed to try out the nipple teasers,’ he says crossly, storming over to Mags.
The others stop immediately, but Mags can’t seem to hear him. Her face is contorting, her lip is trembling. Dear God, Mags!
‘I said,’ emo boy shouts louder, now in her face, ‘that you can’t test these out.’ He reaches out to unclip one.
‘No!’ she screams, pushing him away, completely out of breath. ‘Please! Let me…please…’ she pants, her cheeks red and flushed.
Oh my God. This is so humiliating.
‘Just let her finish, dude,’ Lexi snaps. ‘Can’t you see when a woman hasn’t had some in a while?’
‘Not my problem,’ he snaps, completely revolted and reaching for one again.
‘Hey,’ Lexi growls, grabbing his arm. ‘You reach for her tit one more time, and I’m telling you, I’ll call the police.’
‘Oh my God!’ Mags screams, her face and neck getting more red and blotchy by the second.
‘Call the police!’ he shouts back defiantly, crossing his arms across his chest. ‘I dare you.’
An ear piercing screech fills the room. I cover my ears and turn to see where it’s coming from. It’s from Mags. She’s orgasmed. She falls to the floor, squirming all over the blue grubby carpet like a caterpillar having a seizure. Shit, maybe she is having a seizure.
Steph looks back at me alarmed, raising her eyebrows as if to ask what the hell we should do. Lexi is too busy shooting evils at emo boy.
I rush over to her, releasing the nipple clamp and taking her in my arms like a baby. She’s white as a ghost now, her whole body trembling in shock. Jesus, should I call an ambulance? I feel her pulse and notice it’s racing wildly.
‘Ssh,’ I try to be soothing while rocking her gently. ‘It’s okay, Mags, it’s just an orgasm. It’s done now. Come back to us.’
Slowly her body begins to still and her laboured breathing returns back to normal. She seems to enter her body again, her eyes searching around as if she’s just blacked out. Jesus, maybe I should buy these.
‘It’s okay,’ I smile reassuringly. ‘Give me a hand,’ I call to the others, trying to get her up to standing. Steph comes over to help, but not Lexi. I look around for her. She’s probably stronger than both of us.
I find her snogging the face off emo boy against the counter. Their hands are in each other’s hair, as if they haven’t eaten for months. It’s gross. How the hell did that even happen? She was ready to kill him a moment ago. Plus she’s supposed to have a boyfriend, even if he does sound like the son of Satan. I shake my head. She never fails to shock me.
‘Get off him,’ Steph yells, pulling Lexi off him by her hair. Lexi spins round and glares at her.
‘Always ruining my fun,’ she mutters under her breath, flicking her pink hair back.
Emo boy is out of breath, while Lexi doesn’t even seem to be affected.
We help Mags up and walk sheepishly back to the counter. Emo boy looks at us with a mix of amusement and annoyance.
‘So…just the seeds please,’ I nod, desperate to maintain some self-respect.
‘And these,’ Mags says, throwing down the nipple clamps. ‘Definitely these,’ she pants, still out of breath.
About Laura Barnard
Laura Barnard lives in Hertfordshire, UK and writes romantic comedy or ‘chick lit’ as its so often described. In her spare time she enjoys drinking her body weight in tea, indulging in cupcakes the size of her face and drooling over hunks like Jamie Dornan, Ryan Gosling and Leo Dicaprio.
She enjoys wearing yoga pants and reading fitness magazines while sitting on the sofa eating chocolate. She’s a real fan of the power nap and of course READING!
She writes not to get rich or famous, but because she LOVES writing. Even if one person tells her they enjoyed her book it makes the midnight typing worth it!
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